was looking at my photos on my laptop and found this which made me really want to write. so i'm writing. this text was the turning point to me finding my sparkle again. papa knows best!!
..... a year ago this week, i was in a really rubbish place with my emotions and my head being so mashed up from so many things. i felt like somebody had grabbed my precious circle of what I perceived to be happy & perfect life and ripped it open letting all that happiness & perfection slip out and run away. i didn't have college or studies or work or friends to just fall back and engulf myself in. everything I had was this circle and that circle wasn't existent any longer. i felt like i had lost everything. i felt hurt, i felt betrayed, i felt scared, i felt lost and i felt alone.i have the biggest family that i have known and they all crammed around me & swarmed in to help wrap this little bubbling volcano up, yet it was the loneliest time of my life. i wanted some form of damage control but the damage was done and all that was left was so many emotions. Too many! I did what i do best and kept them locked in a drawer in my head, then something else came along and I had to open the drawer and stuff more in, then something else came along and I had to stuff more in; then something else came along and I suddenly realised.. it just won't fit! BOOM... i literally felt my head & my heart burst. if i could save all those tears that fell from my face over that long lonely period, i'd have caused a flood in costa del Wythenshawe! i spent a very long time in room 20 of pearce ward. i have never divulged this information before because it's not something that I ever would have thought i'd have felt and i'm not willing to say exactly.i'll just say i have never been so low and hope i never will be so low again.i thought the feelings would never go and there was literally no light in the day anymore. it was dark, miserable and just sad. everybody could see that i'd lost me & my sparkle and everyone could see that these feelings and things where really taking their toll and my papa would tell me to "flick the switch" and keep a smiley face going because i'd have visitors coming that at the time I wouldn't want. i had my mum & my dad stay over a couple of times just for a little bit of comfort and support on really bad days :) i think "flicking the switch" and pretending I was feeling better actually started to make things turn around and eventually, a genuine smile would appear for a tiny part of a morning or afternoon each day. just that glimpse of light was the best feeling because i finally understood & was certain that this big black cloud over me wouldn't be staying. i knew it would take a while but i was starting to get glimpses of sunshine and I can hand on heart swear that i thought the horrid thoughts & feeling would never leave but they where!! i clung to those little smiley episodes. i wrote down about them, i kept them in my memory when the light had gone and I was back in darkness again, i still remembered that those feelings would go and they would!! they where going much more frequently and eventually, the odds where against them. majority of my day was filled with happiness & light and slowly but surely most of the week was. it took a couple of months for the dark bits to go completely but they did.during that time, a "to-do" list I had wrote whilst having one of the worst days kept me occupied. they weren't major things to be done. they were just small daily tasks. a few examples are: - sort wardrobe out - get hair coloured & cut - buy new nail varnishes - tidy out bedroom - go to subway for lunch at least once a week! but my main focus was BUILD CONFIDENCE IN DRIVING. i had passed my test and had my own car but was so used to being driven around that i never drove. it suddenly dawned on me that I NEEDED to gain my independence back because I knew by doing that my confidence would just come naturally. so driving was top of my list as was keeping busy by planning things with people. months zoomed past and I had gained so much confidence driving that it bothered me no longer and I loved driving! I was feeling so happy and confident in myself that I just loved life again and I felt so happy & lucky knowing I had done it all by myself with a little help from my best friend emily and support from my mama, papa, auntie max, uncle neil & Christian! I just had to keep swimming through that storm. So everything was going great and I was sparkly and happy again and out of the blue without even looking for or expecting it an old friend popped back into my life and it took no longer than a few week and we were officially a couple.. as in actually Facebook official and everything! :p That was just a little cherry on top to perfect it all really. 6 months later, i am as happy as can be, most confident I've ever been with how i am & how i look, making the most out of my time away from hospital and on the transplant list awaiting some brand shiny new lungs to help me really live the life I wanna live. nothing too extravagant, just a cute little rented house, a job in a sweet shop ( preferably my own but i'm not picky :p ), happy with my little mr shaun & my dog Roxie as a little old lady and that would be splendid :)