Black Roses

Hello,

I hope everyone is well : )
I am sorry for not writing. Weeks seem to have flown by incredibly fast and things have just been flying right over my head at the moment
Today’s blog might not make sense to everybody but it’s something that i needed to write down to get it out.

I’ve not been well recently and with exams happening right now, i suppose things have gotten to me and attacked me when my guard was down whilst away with the fairies. I have my head screwed on and have my wits about me but when things begin to get too much i tend to put my head in the clouds just to get away from things. This time, i couldn’t find the ground again. I got lost.

I completely lost myself.
I’m a very optimistic person. I always look on the Brightside of life. There is always a smile on my face and i’m the most upbeat and positive person i know. The thing is i’m also the listener, the advice giver and the wall they lean on when they can’t do it on their own. I’m the person that can’t carry all the weight on everyone’s shoulders, but will take some of the heavy load and help to carry it. I don’t mean to do it; it’s just a piece of the puzzle that makes up me. I’m a very empathic person in the sense that if someone is upset i feel sad and upset too. Other people’s emotions rub off easily on me. I avoid people who are in a bad mood because i know they’ll bring me down too. It’s this unavoidable power i have to help people even if it’s just listening to them get things off their chest. I always believe that if they feel better afterwards then i have succeeded. I like being reliable and dependable. Due to me being incredibly empathic, i have everyone’s emotions rolled up into one and slowly but surely they overpower me and i start to stumble.


Feeling empathy towards things is great for a writer. I can really engage in the character and the story this way. Likewise for when i am writing my blogs, so much emotion can be typed onto the laptop. The same goes for when i read; i say this alot but i’m the only person i know who can cry when something bad happens in a story. Who is heartbroken when the true love couple are somehow separated and who is then overjoyed when they are reunited.
I can easily throw myself into a book and not want to return to reality because in stories there’s usually always a happy ending. There’s always light through dark shadows.


Well i’ve been ill the past couple of week and like i said with my head in the clouds i got carried away and i lost myself. The optimism within me vanished and suddenly i became horrendously pessimistic and depressed, just completely miserable; something that has never happened before. Every couple of months for one night only i usually get emotional and allow myself to show emotions other then happiness, joy and affection. Last week was so weird and destructive. I wanted to write how i felt down so that once the horribleness was over i could recap and try and figure out what went wrong and what led me down this spiral to rock bottom.
Something that kept coming up in my head was ‘beautiful disaster’.
These bad emotions were things i’d never felt before, at least not for this period of time. Last year when i should have broke down with the whole health deterioration.
Looking back now, i think how the hell did you manage to smile through that girl?
Where did that sudden strength come from to keep going?
To not give up?
To not cry at every possible opportunity?
This may sound weird but i am learning more and more about me as time goes on. I found that i’m stronger then i thought, that i’m more mature then i thought, that i have my head screwed on even if i do have my head in the clouds most of the time. However, i learnt that i don’t show my emotions atall.
Ask anyone who knows me about my personality they will more than likely say, “she’s happy, upbeat, optimistic, quiet type”
That’s only half true, they forget to mention that i have my downer days every couple of month. They fail to mention that i’m not invincibly happy and that some things do bring me down.
They forget to mention that the smile i have on my face hides lies sometimes. Not all the time; i admit. However, sometimes ... those things that lay heavy on my mind overpower me and my happiness, reaches rock bottom. It’s pretty much this spiralling never ending beautiful disaster.
It’s a disaster because i walk around like a zombie with my headphones in listening to music.
Coughing, every now and again. Saying, “pardon?” when i haven’t heard what you’ve said due to the fact i’m too engulfed in the music or my own little thoughts.
Yet it’s beautiful because i really get to engage in these feelings and usually a song is written, a blog is planned or something along those lines.

I write alot when i’m down, gets things of my chest. I’m not the best person to express when i feel horrendous. I like to keep those feelings to myself because i always feel as though i am a burden for laying my troubles on everyone.
You’re pretty special if you can tell when i’m on a downer. My mum can tell. My dad can tell. My friend Aimee can tell and that’s just about it really.
Someone asked me if i was okay once, looked me right in the eyes and asked if i was okay.
I replied with a smile on my face, looking him right in the eyes and said, “Yeah i’m fine”
His reply, looking curious was, “I can’t tell with you; you hide your feelings well. I can’t suss you out”
I looked away and said, “Ha! I’m an expert at fake smiles.”
He looked abit gutted but never mind really. I’m a huge puzzle and i might look simple and easy to work out but i take alot more logic.

The thing is, i go through alot like most of you know and so i learn to deal with alot; i don’t cry when my nail breaks ... to be honest i don’t care 
I don’t care what i eat, i don’t watch my weight atall.
You won’t find me suicidal if things don’t work out between me and a lad. Of course i’ll be gutted and maybe devastated but i made a few rules for myself and number one is that i only cry once if atall.

My Rules.
- Only cry once
- Keep the block in your head up.
- Let your heart rule your head until it’s time to be serious.

There are many more. But those three are the top three. : )

So when i’m on a downer, it usually means my heart has ruled my head when it was time to be serious my block/guard went down which concludes with me crying more than once.
One day whilst on a downer i was sat talking to my friend when she said, “you don’t seem yourself what’s up?”
Really randomly i replied, “Black roses.”
Ever since then, black roses has been my code phrase for, “feeling really low at the moment.”
Purple roses mean, “Emotional” and pink roses are me and my friends favourite. It means i am great and happy.

Like i said though, you have to be pretty amazing to recognise when i’m feeling poopy.
I’m not easy to work out. I’m more complicated then i seem you see. : )
It’s a good puzzle to try and figure out. You should try it sometime when you have some free time : )
Today i feel a mixture of purple roses and black roses. Hopefully, those pink roses will be just around the corner because when i feel like this, i feel like i’ve lost control of myself and like i have lost that independence. I start to rely on my important people way too much when those black roses have bloomed and taken over my head.
Thank you for reading.
Take Care, Sophie xoxo

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