lilly's story continues..

i didn't think lilly's story would continue.
i didn't think there would be a "next" for lilly but apparently there is.....

the night crept up on me like it did every other night but this one felt different.. i felt sick to my stomach.
i gripped a tight hold of that little float like there was no tomorrow, i knew if this one slipped away from me, i'd be a gonner! this thunderstorm was brewing tonight and i was completely alone in the darkness. the rain belted down on my face, piercing it like little shards of glass. i saw that old float that i longed to come back just circle round me a few times, it was as if it was taunting me, laughing at me struggling while it bopped along carefree!
the air and sky turned darker, colder and louder. the thunder and lightning crashed down on the surface.. creating an almighty tidal wave. i was thrown into the air and then smacked against the bottom of the seabed as the waves tumbled on top of me, keeping me down. i lay there submerged, i just wanted to stay here. i was suffocating, the pain, the heaviness.. it was nothing i had ever felt before and i was beaten like never before too.
"YOU WIN!!" i screamed, gulping more sea water as i did so.
"YOU WIN!!" i screamed again.. i was a broken shell of the who i used to be.
"I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE! I CAN'T!" i pleaded, willing it to stop with my pathetic cries.
"I GIVE UP.. PLEASE! LET ME GIVE UP" i begged as the pain and heaviness got worse.. i couldn't breathe as my eyes closed just when a flash of lightning struck.. that light stayed shining in my eyes, burning.

'is this the light everyone talks about?' i questioned?
'is this the light that guides you to the next destination?' i wondered.
i woke with a splash in the face off this little red fish. it was a ronjon fish. he told me the light was what people had been talking about.. not the light that would take me on my next destination.. just the light i had to see to know it's not all darkness, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
he told me things that made me feel understood, made me feel like i wasn't alone no matter how much it felt that way, made me feel like this is just an end of one chapter and that another was just about to open up...

chapter 2.
a few days have gone and the storm seems to be calming, i daren't speak too soon.. i see no sunshine yet.. just flickers of sunlight every so often.
there it was.. i rubbed my eyes, once, twice, four times!
'am i dreaming?', i thought to myself.
the sand looked as white as a bed of white roses.
the palm tree's swayed to the waves that were carrying me along to this beautiful place.
i saw a little island and it was real, it was right in front of me.. i just had to kick a little harder.. i just had to cling to this float just a little while longer but i was close, i was real close now!
what was this feeling of apprehension?
i know what it was.. as my grip tightened around the sturdy float that i had clung to over the final few days of the storm.. i realised i was nervous. nervous to be out of my bubble, to let go of what had become my protection from everything bad that had been going on.. i didn't need that float if i stepped foot on land.
i was scared.. can i do this on my own?
can i do this as my own person?
i had to find out.. i'm too nosey for my own good to not have a see!
i just had to kick a little harder.. i just had to cling to this float just a little while longer but i was close, i was real close now!

.... to be continued.
i left you with a question last time, this week it isn't a question anymore!
it's a statement to anyone who can relate to lilly, who feels like they completely understand lilly's struggle.


this song is a brilliant one :)    
i love matt bellamy. the only men i need in my life are my papa, my grandad, my ronjon fish and mr matthew bellamy
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sophie who?

*****  SPOILER ALERT :')  ******

this is not a good blog.. this is not a happy blog and this is not one to sit and brighten up your day.. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED :')

this is to see if typing it out, helps my brain shake it off and carry on. i don't want comments or anything like that. this blog is for me. i don't think many of you read this anymore so that's okay. this blog has always been mine. somewhere to look back and reflect.
if you don't want to read this, stop now and continue with your day :) ...  I hope you have a belter! xXx

For those of you sticking this out with me, HI :)
i hope you are all well and ready for a walk through my very smashed and jigsawed head.. enjoy the ride. i am a metaphorical crazy lady so i hope you can keep up.
it's like Alice and wonderland in my head at the moment... utter NONSENSE! Madness even.
Uncle Neil, there shall be no spell check or grammar check on this blog, i'm typing as it comes with no stopping so forgive my faux pas!
let me tell you a little story about Lilly the sailor.

so i had to abort ship today.. jump into that big blue sea and swim.. swim for my life!!!!!! :D

..... a few days pass....

i have been swimming along in the blue sea quite chilled and calm, things got a little choppy, the weather changed and the rain came, i struggled but stayed afloat, a little float kept me going.
i clung to that little float like there was no tomorrow because it felt like if i let it go.. there wouldn't be tomorrow, i wouldn't stand a chance in the storm that was brewing! so i clawed at it, losing my grip more and more until it slipped out of my hands. that little float was gone and i was alone when the clouds rolled in on a dark, cold Thursday night. the storm was coming and i was alone. i was scared and i was lost.
not long after the gods opened and they did their worst! thunder, lightning, rain just pouring down.. bouncing off the waves that were crushing me every time they crashed. i was sinking, i was going down.
i was letting myself go down.. i wanted to stop, i was tired, i was lost, i was shattered, i was alone, i was confused.. i was broken. i didn't see how i couldn't just drown in this storm.. it seemed to big for little ole' me. i missed that little float, i needed it the most right now!
the thunder & lightning passed but the rain remained to pour. the storm left me battered, i was beat.
i was finding little pieces of debris floating along on the sea and i clung to those pieces for a while till they weren't enough and the next piece came along. i was losing energy. i was losing it fast.
eventually another piece of float came bobbing along and i kept reaching onto it but losing my grip every so often. the rain keeps pouring down on me and it makes it slippy to keep hold of. the float keeps stable though.. it seems sturdy, it doesn't look like it's going anywhere for another 3 or 4 week! slowly that little float is building my stamina up, it just seems to be taking a very long time.
every now and then i think i see that old float of mine but i know that's gone now. i have to cling to this float for a while it's doing a good job. the rain is still pouring down. sometimes it rains alot heavier than other times. i can't see the clouds breaking yet.. i can't see no light or any cracks for the sun to shine through.
someone took my sunshine away! 

so i am bopping along in the sea.. i'm not always alone, sometimes some little fishes swim past and let me know they are swimming in this sea too.
they want me to follow them so they can take me away to some better days but i'm tired of swimming, i just need to get my energy back, i need to build my strength up, build my confidence again.
it's at night when it gets real dark and the wind picks up that it's the worst.. it's suddenly a much more deeper sea. the rain still pours....

i keep asking this rhetorical question, sometimes i just say it out loud to myself. sometimes i just ask it randomly, willing for people to remind me the answer. i know the answer and i know it's not as far away as it seems but... it can't rain ALL the time can it?

:) the answer is no! no it can't.
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