sophie who?

WARNING
*****  SPOILER ALERT :')  ******

this is not a good blog.. this is not a happy blog and this is not one to sit and brighten up your day.. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED :')

this is to see if typing it out, helps my brain shake it off and carry on. i don't want comments or anything like that. this blog is for me. i don't think many of you read this anymore so that's okay. this blog has always been mine. somewhere to look back and reflect.
if you don't want to read this, stop now and continue with your day :) ...  I hope you have a belter! xXx


For those of you sticking this out with me, HI :)
i hope you are all well and ready for a walk through my very smashed and jigsawed head.. enjoy the ride. i am a metaphorical crazy lady so i hope you can keep up.
it's like Alice and wonderland in my head at the moment... utter NONSENSE! Madness even.
Uncle Neil, there shall be no spell check or grammar check on this blog, i'm typing as it comes with no stopping so forgive my faux pas!
let me tell you a little story about Lilly the sailor.

so i had to abort ship today.. jump into that big blue sea and swim.. swim for my life!!!!!! :D

..... a few days pass....

i have been swimming along in the blue sea quite chilled and calm, things got a little choppy, the weather changed and the rain came, i struggled but stayed afloat, a little float kept me going.
i clung to that little float like there was no tomorrow because it felt like if i let it go.. there wouldn't be tomorrow, i wouldn't stand a chance in the storm that was brewing! so i clawed at it, losing my grip more and more until it slipped out of my hands. that little float was gone and i was alone when the clouds rolled in on a dark, cold Thursday night. the storm was coming and i was alone. i was scared and i was lost.
not long after the gods opened and they did their worst! thunder, lightning, rain just pouring down.. bouncing off the waves that were crushing me every time they crashed. i was sinking, i was going down.
i was letting myself go down.. i wanted to stop, i was tired, i was lost, i was shattered, i was alone, i was confused.. i was broken. i didn't see how i couldn't just drown in this storm.. it seemed to big for little ole' me. i missed that little float, i needed it the most right now!
the thunder & lightning passed but the rain remained to pour. the storm left me battered, i was beat.
i was finding little pieces of debris floating along on the sea and i clung to those pieces for a while till they weren't enough and the next piece came along. i was losing energy. i was losing it fast.
eventually another piece of float came bobbing along and i kept reaching onto it but losing my grip every so often. the rain keeps pouring down on me and it makes it slippy to keep hold of. the float keeps stable though.. it seems sturdy, it doesn't look like it's going anywhere for another 3 or 4 week! slowly that little float is building my stamina up, it just seems to be taking a very long time.
every now and then i think i see that old float of mine but i know that's gone now. i have to cling to this float for a while it's doing a good job. the rain is still pouring down. sometimes it rains alot heavier than other times. i can't see the clouds breaking yet.. i can't see no light or any cracks for the sun to shine through.
someone took my sunshine away! 

so i am bopping along in the sea.. i'm not always alone, sometimes some little fishes swim past and let me know they are swimming in this sea too.
they want me to follow them so they can take me away to some better days but i'm tired of swimming, i just need to get my energy back, i need to build my strength up, build my confidence again.
it's at night when it gets real dark and the wind picks up that it's the worst.. it's suddenly a much more deeper sea. the rain still pours....


i keep asking this rhetorical question, sometimes i just say it out loud to myself. sometimes i just ask it randomly, willing for people to remind me the answer. i know the answer and i know it's not as far away as it seems but... it can't rain ALL the time can it?

:) the answer is no! no it can't.

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