i'm finding me.

hey...

so i have changed the background again, i'm thinking i'm gonna change it with each post... keep it fresh and i like change. change is nice, it's refreshing!
i have been in costa del wythenshawe for 4 week now, it doesn't feel like 4 week.
is it possible that you can be in one place or situation for so long that you don't even notice the time going by anymore?
go on... ask me what day it is at some point next week and see if i know the answer :')
i more than likely won't!
EXCEPT for MONDAY! (9th of July)
i'll be the birthday girl. it's my first time being an inmate on my birthday, i'm going out for tea today to TGI Fridays so that shall be very nice.
before i came in hospital, i downloaded the kindle app for mac and thanks to that, i have reKINDLEd my love for books this admission... ;) you liked my joke huh?
6 books i have gotten through. i love to read, i love to write too i just never get to it.
i've had a brilliant idea for a story, a book? i don't know what it is. maybe it's just an idea that needs to slip back into a box somewhere on a shelf in my head :')
i wouldn't even know where to start with it.
i read through notes i've breifly typed out whilst in a inspirational moment and think, "your grammer and spelling is atrocious these days!" :(
it's sad, the one thing i have always felt most confident and self assured about is something i've let slip and it's slacking! i need to study some more.
just online stuff maybe?
i'm wittering on here and boring you but these blogs started off as somewhere for me to just write and go off on something i wanted to blog about. inspiration has run dry guys. i have nothing i want to share with you and i don't want to turn into someone who goes on about what happened today in her life of CF and CFRD and life at home with roxie or life in costa del wythenshawe so i just stop.
i always find myself here again :)
it's my safety blacket, mine. something i've still got hold of.
i don't mind if nobody is reading, it's my journal. not to be mistaken for a diary! i don't have secrets, not ones worth knowing!
so here i am going on with myself listening to music, 4 years later... reflecting. what have i done with myself, where am i today?

so i was asked by someone to re-do my "to do list" and so i thought instead of doing a list, (they aren't my style, i never actually do them), i'm writing a paragraph on what i want. to do lists don't work with me, i have to WANT to do something for it to be done.. not be told. i want to not let four more years go by and for me to sit here and think, what did i do then?
that's where i am now, i'm looking back on the past 4 years thinking what have i done with myself, what have i seen and what have i heard?
So here is my paragraph of wants...

i want to tell people things that they probably didn't already know about me. i want to chat to people and know what they know and talk to them about what has happened in there life and what they like and don't like. i want to know more. i want to write. i want to jot down things i find interesting, i want to remember everything because my memory is so bad it's awful. i want to not make new friends, i'm content with the people i have. i want to continue finding myself. i want to continue to cry at films that make me feel sad or really REALLY happy. i don't want to buy a house, i want to rent one. i want to never be certain, just sure. i want to not go out in the freezing cold on boozy nights out, or just nights out all together. i want to get really tipsy in my pyjamas in the warmth at home with people that make me smile and laugh. i want to never like nandos. i want to be with you for the rest of my days. i want to take pictures and giggle at silly things. i want to have private jokes and meanings with people that have the people 'in the know' in stitches at the thought while everyone else has no idea. i want to be funny :'). i want to not plan. i want to try new stuff. i want to try food i have never tasted and spit it out very ladylike into a tissue when i don't like it. i want to hold hands, i never hold hands :/. i want to go to places that are pointless places but they're places i've been! i want to sing really badly and enjoy every minute. i want to pretend that when i play your guitar, i'm MINT. i want to finish this story and not just let it be another idea. i want to eat tea at my granma and grandads. i want to know why my granma likes the term 'grandma' spelt, granma. i want to get so many sweeties. i want to have my own sweet shop or little coffee shop. i want to go for car rides in the sun. i want to go to uppermill, i like uppermill. i want to think of that place that i said, "I WANT TO GO THERE!!" and then go there, (can you remember arran?) i want to cut down on sweets..... hahahaha i'm kidding. i want to go through my i-tunes and delete some of the rubbish i have on there! i want to stop being a horder with stupid stuff. i want to get a new tattoo. i want to know what it is first. i want to hit some drums really hard! i want to buy the weirdest thing selfridges sell. i want to buy some actual food from selfridges. i want to get some new glasses, i need my eyes testing again first. i want to get my eyes tested again. i want to take alfie swimming! i want to take roxie for a walk in the sunshine. i want my mama & papa to be the happiest people alive, they deserve it more than most. i want to paint my toe nails. i want to remember to tell arran to learn ed sheerhans song, "kiss me", i like it! i want to tell everyone to watch a film called, 'the vow', i cried! i want to tell people that the book, wife 22, is very good! i want to look after the unicorn i have adopted on my i-phone app. i want to keep my peter pan side. i want to draw something and pretend it's as good as something jack smith would draw. i want to have such a hot bath when i get home. i want to have a snuggle off roxie :(, i miss you! i want to tell my little sister to stop growing up, you're supposed to be my little sister and you're a young woman already... when did this happen?! i want to tell chelsey that i accept that she has a girl crush on me, it's mutual. i want this date night with my boy, my bruv and his gorgeous lady. i want florida chicken chips and chicken gravy so much! i want to, want to get back to the gym... :( i do honest. i want another little UK holiday again this year. i want to have cards nights. i want to take more picture, i feel like i said this but i really do! i want to be able to cook some form of meal that is edible. i want to continue this another time.....


thanks for reading if you managed to get through it all.
i know it isn't perfect :)
that's not what i ever want this to be!
take care,
love always, soph xoxo

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