a diary entry from lilly

hey guys,

got a big blog to write up about the transplant meeting I had but to keep you going till that's wrote up.. here's something I wrote last night after a lot of thinking and appreciating went on!

It was written; very raw and very vulnerably.
Both brutal and beautiful.. I debated whether to post or not but, what the hell is this blog for if not for me to express thoughts and feelings?

This the closing of a chapter and the opening of another. This is both the end and just the beginning.

Life is SO good <3
Night night bedbugs,
Sophie xoxo

Here goes.. ode to lilly the sailor- a diary entry of hers!


Reflection~

I'm not saying things were bad all the time but they certainly weren't good.
I sit here thinking in an outer body experience view sighing, "oh baby girl, what are you doing to yourself?"

Totally drowning in the sea of devotion, obsession, poison, firsts, adoration, hate, anger, betrayal, love.. pure first love.

Suffocating in my own sickening devotion.
Crippled by my total obsession.
Dyeing from poison that oozed out silently from candy coated first time memories of everything!
Disappearing into the darkness of my admiration for him.
Spiralling into an intense hurricane of unstoppable forces; anger, hate, love, hurt, betrayal, hysteria!
Besotted by my deep, irrevocable, pure, heart-racing, honest love that i had for you, for us.

i knew then, but i'm certain now.. your loss and it is your loss too.

And as for you.. you are not the one.. you don't deserve to be and therefore, you never will be.

this isn't for you or you, this isn't for me.
this is for that girl lieing on a bed sobbing everything she had out; day after day, night after night.
After she lost what she thought was everything but she knows now, they were nothing.
This is for that girl who no longer wanted to live another second feeling the pain she felt that couldn't be protected by a plaster or silenced and masked by paracetamol. no tablet or drip would stop the sickening agonising pain she felt.
No scan or x-ray would reveal the hole she felt in her heart or the lump relentlessly there in her throat.
This is for the girl who sat torturing herself for hours, tenaciously re-playing every tiny detail of memories and social networking sites for closure, proof, names, dates, HELP, words, clues.. anything just for it to stop!
This is for the girl who failed to accept, this was all happening so denied her own honesty and wrote a story of a sailor named lilly. this is for lilly.
This is for that girl who begged, prayed to something or someone she didn't even believe existed. Desperation made her plea and grovel on her hands and knees promising the shrapnel of health she was clinging to or every pence to her name just for that pain, ache, throb, hole, void, anger, sadness, emptiness just for it to never exist.
all of it to never exist.
even the good.. to never exist.
Even the best.. to never exist.
Sadistically, that wasn't true.. she wanted to cling to it for all it was worth because she didn't know all she was worth.


She does now.
So do the new people.

And you.. you don't exist.
You're a memory burried in the sand of that island that lilly floated on after the storm passed.
You are nothing but a memory.

I'm a dory fish from finding nemo.. I forget alot of things.
My memory is atrocious.. what's your name again?

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