So 2016 is well under way.. very nearly February already!
I just wanted to write this post to go back to at the beginning of 2017 to see if i reached the goals i set myself and to hopefully be able to tick all the things off and set new goals this time next year.
This year i want to have got myself a job, i think i may have mentioned this before but i don't want to go to uni and spend years and years studying and stressing about something. I was given this second chance of life and i want to enjoy it and i know that i personally stress and worry far too much as it is without the added pressure of uni. I also have no main goal as far as careers go.
There is nothing i want to do more than writing and i know that i enjoy blabbering on with myself. I wouldn't want to pursue writing as a career if i had to be told what to write about. I know i would struggle to find the motivation to write to the best of my ability that way.
So i have wrote a jokey CV which i gave to my cousin to try and wing my way into getting a job with her future venture in the spring. (A CV that i just might post on here one day)
I have also wrote myself a genuine CV and have sent that out to some jobs i have applied for. They're mainly admin/reception jobs and the odd retail work. I've very little previous experience when it comes to working so i'm just hoping something will come along when the time is right. One thing is for sure with the rest of the goals i am setting myself this year i am going to be needing that money!
2016 is also the year i would like to venture out and gain a wider independence by renting a house or apartment and moving out of my little dads home.
That time has come, i just feel like i want to build on my independence and i want to start living that 'normal' life. I want to take the next step with shaun so that we can begin to build on our relationship more and have that time together.
I would like to find myself a hobby, this one isn't the most important as i think i am going to be busy this year but it would be lovely if i got myself a little hobby and stuck to it.. maybe just continuing to blog will do. Also remember to keep little keepsakes & things to stick in my 2 year post transplant scrapbook!!
So i will have the house and the job. Next thing i want to build on a little more is me.
I'm struggling a lot with having this new found independence. Its quite scary to go from being surrounded by people or someone all the time to not having to be surrounded by people because you're well enough to live your life as you. This has brought on anxiety which comes in waves and is reoccurring but i am learning ways to handle that and it has also brought in a lack of confidence in myself which i want to build back up.
I have never been a loud, life and soul of the party type of person but i have been someone to get involved and join in with the fun but i find myself still trying to get involved but very self conscious about doing so. I think the lack of confidence is probably part of the anxiety but them both combined is what i want to improve by the end of the year.
I think having a job will help with my confidence and i also think having that independence of getting my own place to live will also see a leap in the confidence within myself. I doubt myself too much and i worry far too much but as i keep repeating, it's something i am going to give my all in working on this year.
Another thing i want to do this year is actual pursue learning something new. I have always said i want to learn sign language and i have always started out and never completed it but this year is the year! I'd also love to do a first aid course as i think it's so important for everyone to know basic first aid in the off chance assistance is ever needed but i think i would also find it really interesting too!
These are two courses i will keeping a look out for to sign up and attend this year also.
I'd also love to improve myself by making little lifestyle changes this year.
One massive goal for me is to reach 9 stone. I haven't been this weight in a very long time and it's something that also affects my self confidence massively. I'm very aware that i am skinny, that my bones protrude and that my clothes always look baggy from my unproportional childlike frame. As a 22 year old woman, it's not how i would like to look. This year i have the honour of wearing two beautiful bridesmaid dresses alongside beautiful bridesmaids but i would feel so much better about it if by the time i get to wear those dresses and walk the aisle with the brides and fellow bridesmaids that my weight has increased and i look a healthier weight whilst wearing them.
So i have decided to put to use everything that is freely accessible to me and start feeding overnight again and on bad days (appetite/sickness wise) i will use food supplements to maintain the progress i make instead of letting things slip like i have done over 2015.
I got far too cocky and ahead of myself and thought i could do it on my own and i stupidly didn't listen to my dads advice or the odd people from clinic when feed and supplements where mentioned over and over again but i don't want to look like this anymore and i don't want the worry and stress of not gaining weight to keep clogging up my mind.
Feeding over night will take that pressure off and give me peace of mind knowing i am doing everything i can to improve and if i'm still struggling then that's for the hospital to start looking into as i am just not getting back over 50kg!
I really got carried away about my weight there as it's obviously a big issue for me personally but the next thing i want to do is drink more! Most people usually say water at the end of that but anyone that know me knows i don't handle drinking water very well so i like to add a little bit of cordial to it!
I'm dehydrated a lot because i don't drink enough and i know full well that i don't. I just never feel thirsty so never think about having a drink unless it's mealtimes usually.
I need that to change because it isn't good for anyone to not drink enough, one step i have made in doing this is getting myself a new app on my phone that gives me notifications every 2 hours from 10am to 10pm and pops up saying, "time to drink water!"
The app also allows you to input how much you've drank each time you do have a drink so you can make sure you're drinking enough and it sets you a goal of 2000mls of which you can decrease or increase on the settings. I now use this every day as it's really helping! The app is called Watercheck and i am pretty sure it's free to download.
The next step i made in improving my fluid intake was to buy myself a water bottle but one that aims to help you drink more.
On the water bottle it gives you set times and a guideline of how much to drink between each hours so that after filling it up with fresh water in the morning, by the time you've completed the water bottle with just one re-fill in the middle of each day, you have drank just under 2 litres.
It's called a motivation bottle. Previous to this i was just using a norma 750ml bottle of evian water and kept refilling, i would use it every day and manage to meet my 2000ml goal most of the time. I feel better for it and i don't get any headaches anymore, it will also be helping keeping my kidneys fuelled and flushed of all the toxins left by all the medications i take daily.
Next step in my "improving me" goals is to be exercising. I gave up last year, like the quitter that i am, i felt like i wasn't improving and it was way harder than i ever anticipated it to be.
Instead of pushing through i just gave up and i regret doing so!
I think i assumed after transplant that with having new lungs it would automatically mean after a month or two in the gym going every other day i'd be fit and able to be doing a half marathon! This was not the case. at. all!
I was a month in and still only managing 5 minutes on the bike doing one minute on and one minute off and that was leaving me completely out of puff.
I'd try the treadmill but after messing around up and down with inclination for the 8 minutes i would manage i'd be gasping to stop so i would.
And that was only on the good days. On the bad days i would do a few arm weights on the weight machines and do my five minute interval training on the bike and that would be me exhausted.
Another month of this with no improvements with good days or bad days, i quit!
I decided i just wasn't cut out to be a gym enthusiast and i hung up my newly bought gym gear.
It was only months and months later that i sat and confronted it all and realised how stupid i had been. I have very, very little muscle in my legs and arms because the last exercise i did was 6-7 years ago when i would walk around my secondary school from classes to classes and do the odd P.E lesson if over protective teachers would allow.
Since then i haven't participated in very much exercise or activity due to my crappy CF lungs and needing wheelchairs for getting around large areas and oxygen 24/7 at rest.
How stupid of me to expect it to just come naturally and for my muscles to just grow like Schwarzenegger within 2 month. I was literally having to start again but instead of carrying on i give up too early so this year i'm starting all over again... again.
i think i am going to take a new approach though, rather than sign up to a gym and be disheartened watching all the other woman do a full work out whilst i have a rest in between my minutes bike ride, i am going to build my stamina up on the exercise bike i have at home by doing my interval training. Whether i do 1 minute on and 2 minutes off for 10 minutes to start off with, it doesn't matter, i need to start somewhere and this time i won't quit. Once the weather dries up and warms up slightly i am going to go for walks as last summer i was really enjoying them! Once my fitness is improving more, i might even incorporate a little jog from lamp post to lamp post with a walk in between.
From there, once i feel more confident and able, i think i would re join the gym to work on things more and with different machines.
So these are my goals and achievements i set myself for 2016-2017.
I hope i can come back to this in Jan of 2017, 2 years post transplant and have reached these aspirations with new ones ready to smash!
Wish me luck!!