Day 22

Do you ever wish there was a button in life that brings down a massive red curtain like in theatres and covers up stuff in your head that you don't want to have there anymore?

It's just like, you push the button, the curtain drops and poof it's gone.. as if it never existed.. forgotten?
wouldn't it be nice?


so today the weather has been a ball of poo.. it's snowed and been freezing and i have just not felt like braving the gail force winds today. luckily i had some parcels to wait in for so stayed nice and chilled in joggers, hair tied up and a loose top.

i thought I'd get into my artistic flow.. i sat on my windowsill and i just looked outside at the absolutely gorgeous view from my window from my papa's house.
it's just really beautiful. sometimes i think i get so caught up in people and situations surrounding people that i forget to look at the world..

don't want to go all hippie on you but i forget just how much i appreciate the view sometimes.
i particularly like the view at night time when everything's pitch black except the lights on the streets and in houses and on cars etc.

When i was feeling really sad, down and just a little lost.. i'd drive to a little car park in oldham and lock my car doors, put some music on and just look at the cars driving past in the tea time traffic and sometimes I'd wait for it to get a little darker outside and go to the same spot just to see the lights shimmer like glitter sprinkled all over the place.
it's my favourite thing to look at that i can look at any day i please.

i would love to be able to look up at the starry night sky but that's long gone in this country these days :(
after watching sky gazing with professor brian cox a year or so ago.. i now know that we don't see the stars because of light pollution.
which is ironically what i love to look at the most in replacement of a starry sky.

i remember when i was a younger kid, i used to always see two stars.. one baby one and one big one. i was absolutely adamant that the big one was my grandad. 100% certain, i'd say goodnight to it in bed every single night!
i don't think anybody in the world knows that.. maybe my dad does, i think i told him a couple of times on the rare occasion that i see those same two stars :)

it's funny now i am older and obviously know more and i'm better educated now but it used to astonish me and just add to my certainly that those two stars where my grandad looking at us and watching us because I'd not only see them at home but we used to go to Salou every single year when i was a child and I'd see them there too!! I just assumed he'd followed us to salou to keep his eye on us while we we're on our holiday!
i think it's dead funny now but it completely amazed me when i was younger. i used to be really smug about it and quite cocky because I'd think, "my grandad must love me the whole world enough to follow me round it!"

when you're a little girl.. that's pretty damn impressive!
i think i kept it secret because deep down i felt a bit silly. my grandad died before i was even born but i can picture his face so vividly from one photo that is in my nana's locket.
i used to sit and talk to those stars when i had a story to tell about my day or a question to ask and in my head, i would imagine him laughing or something :')

to this day, if i want something bad enough or just want that little but of help or guidance or extra love.. i close my eyes and i ask my grandad for it!
is that a bit weird?
i don't believe in "god" or any of that stuff but i genuinely believe that my grandads around somewhere and if he can help, i am sure he will :)

i had a little falling out with him around November last year though.. i was in a rough place and i was begging him to help me, just to make me feel better.. i didn't want to feel how i felt anymore and he wasn't listening to me.
it wasn't working like it usually did and so i had a sulk and felt let down by him :')
very mature ;)
after having a conversation with my papa, it occurred to me that what i was feeling wasn't something anybody could help me out with.. i just had to ride it out.
i did and i guess sometimes it feels like i still am judging from my question at the start of the blog about a magic button..

i'll get there. metaphorically speaking; i am not needing the pain killer really now.. just wishing there was some almighty plaster to heal this baby up good and proper.

just figured i had to start being independent, girl power doing it all on myself and stuff. i miss feeling like i got that connection with grandad tommy though.. might have to start up these night time chats again.. I'll have to hunt those stars down.



Day 22:- sometimes i....





don't know if you have noticed but most of these pictures are either not if me or i am pulling some sort of face.. that's because sometimes i like to pull funny faces on camera!

i think they capture a memory better than a serious shot and you feel less of a for taking it surprisingly :)
overall, it just makes me happy laughing at the photos i take of myself because i am my own best friend and i think i am hilarious :p

night night bedbugs...
sophie xoxo

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