Day 25

I have been listening to a song called superwoman by Alicia Keys tonight on repeat.

I was having a moment to myself feeling annoyed and frustrated as it became apparent that i am not capable of things i was and yet somehow i keep trying to convince myself that i am.

tiny little things like, getting a wheelchair round tesco's. Which is something i definitely would have done prior to the most recent admission if i was feeling how i am feeling now.
My dad asked if i needed it today and i immediatly slammed him down with a "No!"
Then i felt the twinges in my calf muscles and the crackles in my chest and thought, 'why am i punishing myself? why won't i just accept that i need that bit of help at the moment?'

People are telling me i can't and i am trying to prove them wrong but all i am doing is more bad than good. Wiping myself out of energy, energy that i need at the moment because sleep is something i am clutching at straws to.

My physio put together a little exercise routine for me to do daily which consists of the most minute exercises but they're really working me hard.
My aches and pains are proving that and the breathlessness too.
They literally consist of 10 standing up from sitting downs and 10 arm & leg stretches.
that is it.

I have got an eye test tomorrow in town and i had it all planned out what i was going to do tomorrow, every little detail was down and then it dawned on me that i wont be able to just park my car and walk all that way to the specsavers like it's a doddle.
Not just that, i also had planned to then have a nice walk round the shops in town; just to be nosey and pass a bit of time having a people watch etc.
As if i am gonna be able to do that.. hahaha.
I don't know what i was thinking :')

It's crazy this shift in my mentality, it's like i am going into some sort of denial. I wouldn't ever have decided walking round town would be a good idea even a few month ago so what makes me thing i can do that now i have no idea.
My dad is somebody who will push me, if i want a chair round tesco, my dad will be somebody who will think it will be best for me to use the trolley to lean on round tesco instead but even he was shaking his head at my crazy little itinerary for tomorrow all by myself. hahahaha.

Wake up turtle.. slow and steady wins this race.
No good trying to do everything when i just need to take my time and accept the help where it is needed.

I like the lyrics of the superwoman song though :)

"Let me tell you, I am a Superwoman
Yes I am, yes she isSee, even when I'm a mess, I still put on a vestWith an S on my chestOh yes, I'm a Superwoman"

Day 25: Shiny

Today's photo is of something shiny and let me tell you there is nothing that shines brighter than this diamond of a girl. 
Miss Bethany Paige Wheeler.
She is my sister believe it or not. We look nothing alike, we are complete opposites in everything. The things we like are different, the things we don't like are different, our style is different, our looks are different, our personalities are different. There is nothing the same about us apart from our humour. That is something we can both treasure together. 
I am very serious about education and intellect whereas Beth is way more chilled out about it and would rather have fun than get her head down and study because she hates school but i was geek and loved it. We swap when it comes to our temper, i am rather chilled and easy going and take things in my stride, but Beth loses her temper quite easily and can have a major stress-tant-emotion blow out at the click of a finger. I am very emotional, compassionate and loving and Beth is very introvert when it comes to showing any affection or emotion. She keeps all that locked up.
She is the funniest kid i know and she has her moments where she'll do something so lovely it could make you cry.. yet they're very rare. She has the best laugh i have ever heard. She's got a very unique style but she rocks it. I think she is the most beautiful girl i ever did see and she doesn't even realise. Her confidence is building but she has a way to go. Her eyes are lovely and are my favourite. I am jealous of her legs. She can sing like an angel but doesn't know how good she really is. She can be a little bugger at some points and is the messiest person i have ever had to share a bathroom with but she's getting better!
There was a point where i had a little melt down over something and Beth stepped into big sister mode for a little while. She gave me hugs when i needed them, wiped my tears before they fell and stroked my arm to soothe my little throbbing heart. She said all the right things more so than most the grown ups where doing because she's my sister.She is the most important thing to me now, aside from myself and my health. I would do anything at all for her and would put anybody who hurt her on my hit list.I really wish she believed in herself more because if she has just a smidgen in the confidence i have in her, she'd be unstoppable, a real life superwoman!

i miss the days of her mithering to play school or shop or to watch bear in the big blue house with her. i miss spending that time with her but she's 14 and she's cool and i am 19 and pretty damn not cool but i'm okay with that :)we also have next to nothing in common but i think if she walked in my room one day and asked for a cuddle and a sleepover with movies i might just cry because i am far too emotional for my own good :)i love when she comes in my room randomly says hello and just chills out with me. it makes me feel all nice and warm. 
i think once she gets a bit older we will become much closer than we are.. we're just at different stages and like different stuff. i will be right here whenever she needs me for anything at all though.she is so beautiful and i love her so boogle

Sleep tight bedbugs.Sophie xoxo

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